COLUMN: The ups and downs of dieting

“Your stomach shouldn’t be a waist basket.”

— Unknown

In the 1920s, long before the advent of seizure medicines, there was something called the Keto diet. The diet might have also been used on diabetic conditions. Then it kind of went bye-bye.

Everything old is new again. The Keto diet is back and in a big way. It’s the biggest thing since sliced bread. The Atkins diet trend of a few years ago probably spurned new life. Both diet plans involve converting the body to burn fat as fuel as opposed to carbohydrates or as their chemical form after processing, glucose. The biggest difference between Keto and Atkins is that Atkins has no limit of protein intake, but only 20 percent of your calories should be protein on the Keto diet plan.

I know a lot about both because I was an Atkins disciple at one time. I read the book and accepted the theory. Dr. Atkins pointed out that for thousands of years, human beings existed on a diet of meat, nuts and fruit. It was only during the industrial revolution when flour and grains were easily mass producible that we converted to the modern day diet. The first time I dedicated myself to Atkins I lost 23 pounds in 21 days. I developed a style of eating afterward that was much healthier than I had engaged in prior to partaking of his plan.

I love meat, fish and poultry. I am a fan of many vegetables. Unfortunately sweets at one time in my life were my reason for living. I love bread. I used to have doughnuts every morning with my coffee. I have always said that if it weren’t for chocolate, I would be 30 pounds lighter today. I am a chocoholic.

As I write this column, I am just shy of two weeks on a basic combination of the Keto and Atkins diet. I plan on a three-month long version. I need to lose 20 pounds. Yes, when you are 20 pounds from perfection, it seems an obtainable goal. Perfection is an objective description.

When you are 5 feet, 6 1/2 inches tall, 20 pounds is the difference between looking in shape and looking like a bowling ball with feet.

Atkins is not the most effective diet I have ever been on in my life. The most effective diet I have ever found is the divorce diet. I have been married and divorced two times. Both divorces were good for over a 20 pound weight loss in a remarkably short time frame. I also found the divorce diet, while effective, was the most expensive diet plan ever devised by man or lawyer.

There are possible side effects to the Keto diet. One is halitosis and for those less vocabulary enriched than me, that means in laymen terms bad breath. I am not real concerned with bad breath. I haven’t kissed a woman on the mouth in almost two years. Any man who gets close enough to my mouth to experience bad breath deserves a whiff!

Another effect that has been in the news lately applies to women on Keto. The Keto diet affects pH levels that accompany extreme changes in the diet. When that occurs the Keto diet may change a ladies vaginal pH, which alters your vaginal odor. As one analysis put it, “It may not smell like roses.” Just to alert any female opting for the Keto diet, the condition that is being described is being called, “Keto crotch.” You might want to carry an extra spray can of FDS!

The first few days of Atkins or Keto is characterized by a withdrawal of carbohydrates. It is common to feel a bit jittery. After three days, I might have knocked off a bakery to eat just one doughnut or brownie. Sugar and starch withdrawal is a very real problem.

One article I read even insinuated that a Keto diet can affect your mental health. Again, I point out that such a suggestion will only endorse my opinion that we have become a nation of wussies, and I write wussies because I can’t I can’t type the real term I want to use in describing modern day reality of what we, as a society, have become when it comes to sacrifice or hard work.

So to summarize, it’s wussies and “keto crotch” that seem to be the theme of this week’s column. I do want to point out that whether it’s Atkins or the Keto diet, it is strongly suggested that the diet plan be a short-term plan and a return to simply healthy eating be the ultimate goal.

More vegetables, lean meat, and less bread and sweets should be a part of any healthy diet plan. Lots of liquids and a multi-vitamin would be a healthy supplement. And, in general, a little exercise thrown in would not be a terrible idea.

Or as one Keto dedicated person put it, “I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds.”

— Lindon Dodd is a freelance writer who can be reached at lindon.dodd@hotmail.com . Lindon Dodd

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