Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by a human jostling you to reach the cherry tomatoes on the salad bar line. I’m going to go ahead and assume a few thousand of you are waving at your phones right now. I am, too! I’ve been jostled, poked, stepped on, elbowed, butted, and straight-up pushed this month all in the name of securing a single cherry tomato.
Lest you think my office cafeteria is serving some delicious mutant superfood breed of cherry tomatoes or that all my coworkers are assholes, this unacceptable salad bar behavior has occurred everywhere from delis to restaurants to supermarket ready-to-eat sections throughout 2019. It’s happened so much that people’s bad salad line attitudes have actually been reported on . And while I understand the influx of insane lines for salad bars happens every year around this time (New year! New…health!), this year’s salad-related nonsense is particularly bad.
But why !? Has our collective "burn it all down, 2019 still sucks" psyche seeped into our ability to stand like big boys and girls in a nice single-file line? The state of the union certainly warrants frustration, fine, but does it not also warrant kindness? Do people think that every time they elbow someone in order to get vaguely stale shredded cheese faster an angel bestows upon us all a sliver of patience and tolerance? What is so hard about not cutting in front of someone who’s actively reaching for the balsamic only to hover by the honey mustard on your phone for awhile? Oh my god, I am so mad!
My friends who are also of the opinion that salad bars have been bringing out the worst of humankind recently tell me this conduct has actually been ongoing throughout their entire adult, salad-eating lives. They’re not wrong—the last few years’ obsession with Whole30 , keto , paleo , gluten-free , and more hath wrought upon us people who are both starving and confused around lunchtime.
Could that be why everyone forgets to say "excuse me" while cutting through a hoard of people, sticking a pair of tongs into the vat of iceberg, finding the only two non-wilted pieces on the planet, and then leaving the line altogether? Did that person panic because he forgot which of the solely vegetarian salad bar items adhere to his low- to no-meat diet? What about the woman who spends a good five minutes tonging her way through individual identical cheese cubes, searching for the three that are exactly to her keto-ish liking? Is she…confused by a lifestyle she took on willingly?
And what about the people who’ve not made a life change that rEqUiReS them to be aggressive come lunchtime? The ones who’ve spent the month, year, decade shouldering in front patient crouton-wanting people, only to turn around with very full salad containers and vaguely mouth a "sorRRRry" before not going to the back of the line ? What’s their deal? Do they have all have meetings back at work in three minutes that require their presences or else the world ends? Who are you?!
These are all things I have honest-to-goodness witnessed in the past few weeks, and I am here to say neither healthy habits nor the time we live in gives anyone an excuse to be so rude when it comes to other people standing in the vicinity of lettuce. These are all things that will continue to upset me people. These are all things your mothers would be ashamed of. Yeah, I said it!! Your mother did not raise you to be the rudest person to ever eat a cherry tomato!!! You don’t even like them that much!!!! They’re weirdly sweet!!!!!
Be patient, you monsters. You’ll all get your disgusting cherry tomatoes eventually. There’s always a million pounds of them waiting for you to pick through slowly. Anyway. Looking forward to lunchtime!
A salad bar SAINT.
Click here to view original web page at Why Does Everyone On The Salad Bar Line Suck So Hard?